The Uuuhs and Aaarghs of my life

Posts tagged ‘Relationships’

Free from everything you

You knew I was strong.
But you noticed that I did it so naturally that I didn’t notice.
And so you found a way into my sacred place.
Where in your words I saw only truth.
And you built my trust until I was high.
Perhaps too high, to realise what you had been planning.

One day you withdrew it all.
Panicked, I cried for a word from you.
But you only fed me with words to your convenience.

To please you.
To comfort you.
To stroke your ego.
To counsel you.
To cheer you on.
To worship you.

But a little yellow bird flew by my window.
She sang a little song I’d long forgotten.
One that I used to sing, dancing to my own party.
I wanted to sing along with it, but my hands and feet had strings on them.

I needed to do something, before you woke up.
So I found some scissors and cut myself loose.
I bled, but I was free.

From your constant disappointments.
From your lies and excuses.
From making me feel sorry for my own natural magic.
From your downgrading my success.
From your sexual trickery.
From your self-oppressive mind.
From your cowardice.
From everything that is you.

I struggled to walk towards the bird.
Bleeding, but with a smile on my face.
The little bird sang.
Her words healing my wounds and strengthening me.

Suddenly, I realised.
All along, the door had been open.
For me to leave.
Whenever I remembered who I really was.

The strong, magical, loving one who scared you.

Thank God.

I am free.

From everything you.

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Listen to Her

If there’s one big piece of advice I can give as a woman to men who’re looking to grow healthy, long-term, and purposeful relationships… it has got to be, “Learn how to listen.”
This is a frustration that often comes up during conversations with quality women that I am so honoured to call my friends, mentors, and business partners.
While the world looks at these women as strong, perfect, successful, and independent. It doesn’t mean that they don’t have any room for love in their lives. Strong women need some good ol strong love too…
Sadly, they’ve witnessed men allowing themselves to fall victim to the classically emasculating picture of masculinity. The picture of a man working so hard to prove his worth to a woman who society considers too empowered.
Yes, you guessed right. It never lasts. Many men try their very best to flex the hyper-masculine muscles – money, control, mansplaining, appearance, dominating conversations, superman, holding back affection, and even triggering jealousy using other women.
Any woman who really knows her worth quite frankly just leaves. Women are natural favour. And it’s not worth witnessing a man break himself apart to appease a societal expectation. Even worse, to contribute to the mess.
Yet one of the best gifts a man could offer a woman is to actually just listen. It is simple yet so priceless.
Many men have been taught to be fixers, performers, and achievers. This is often useful in sports and business.
But when it comes to relationship building, the attitude has to change. It requires collaboration with critical skills like Communication, Empathy, Listening, and even Emotional Intelligence.
This is where “I” is replaced with “us.” A WE attitude.
I know it’s tough.
Especially after years of practice in societies where women aren’t expected to speak up, share their thoughts, or even have anything meaningful to say.
But it can be done.
When a woman wants to talk, stop for a moment, and just simply listen.
In that moment:
She doesn’t want any fixing.
She doesn’t want money.
She doesn’t want superman.
She doesn’t want to argue.
She doesn’t want your opinion.
Maybe. Just maybe, she needs you to love her best in that moment by intentionally listening.
Only then will you know what to do with what she shares with you.
Why is this important?
Because sometimes when a woman is speaking, the very essence of her heart is speaking. She is giving you a key not many get to access. She is showing up in her feminine spirit.
She is connecting you to her most authentic self.
Honour the moment.
Listen to her.

A Last Dance in the Rain

Dancing in the Rain

a last dance in the rain

 

It’s raining outside,
And the sound of gentle drops on my window is beautiful and calming.

So I push back the curtain,
Peek out the window with nostalgic wonder.

And I’m met with a blue-grey blanket of rain,
One that paints a sweet memory of us, silent, listening to our hearts beat.

It’s hard to believe,
All I can sense of you now is hidden in pockets of nature.

Yet still,
Feel robbed of a chance to encounter our nature.

Days go by,
These memories, I fear, will start to fade.

As I dream of a time when you were the rain,
And I ran outside,
And we gently danced our last in nature’s embrace.

Finding Your Own Tribe

Finding your own tribe

Finding a Tribe Through Shared Values

During a wonderful conversation with my taxi driver recently, we talked business and discussed the tariff rivalry between Uber and that of Safaricom’s new Little Cab taxi service.

I was really concerned about the climate of his business but he confidently reassured me, “Don’t worry, it’s business as usual for me.” “Uber and Little Cab customers are actually not my customers,” he added.

He explained that his customers are people who’ve known him over the years and now trust him. Also, that it’s ok if Uber & Little cab users don’t opt for his services, he’s got his own pack hooked onto the value of friendship, loyalty and trust.

Now I know why I’ve been his customer for all these years despite Uber & Little Cab cheap tariffs.

I’ve been investing in a relationship, not money.

Truly, a great business lesson from my dear taxi driver, Victor (aka Baba Daniel).

#BeInspired

A Widow’s Wish

A Widow's Wish

A Widow’s Wish

Today, I thought about my dear Grandma Jenny and what life has been like as a widow for most of her adult life. She never remarried and at times I find her in the living room holding on to an old photo of my late grandfather.

Sometimes I wonder what crosses her mind when she thinks about her beloved. I wrote this reflection inspired by her and with a touch of foresight on my part:

I wish to grow old with my friend.
I wish to enjoy him still seeing me as the pretty young girl he saw when he first met me.
Oh! How I wish to dance with him every Sunday evening in our old house, dusted with sweet memories.
I wish to hold on to his old hands and still feel safe.
I wish to listen to his heartbeat and find home.
I wish to kiss him, burry myself in his embrace, close my eyes and enjoy his scent.
I wish to stare into his old eyes and know for sure that with him, I would do it all over again.

I wish to grow old with my friend, 
Father of my children, 
Home of my heart,
One whose love will forever echo even in my old heart.

~ For Grandma Jenny.

The Pain that Heals

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Ever heard someone share a personal story that you totally identified with and learned from?

Today, I asked myself about the confidence it must take for such people to open their hearts in public about a painful moment in their lives – for the sake of empowering others.

Furthermore, I asked myself what would happen to me if these people suddenly stopped reaching out to me though their personal stories. How then would I get practical lessons on how to face life?

A friend recently enlightened me when she said that to be a true mentor and touch lives I must be prepared to be vulnerable. This type of vulnerability is not about being emotional or mushy. It deals with deliberately sharing your life stories – truths, hurts, victories, challenging lessons – with people so that they may identify with you as a real human being and learn from what you did wrong or what you did right.

Many of us have gone through hills and valleys in the journey of life. But why is it always easier to share about the good things? Is it because they paint us better, is it easier, is it less damaging to our reputations?

Why is it that we cannot share about the very same things we need help with?

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Her Heart to Yours

Emma* who is a mother of three went through a bad marriage for 10years. After a lovely Sunday afternoon spent with her kids in church and at the pizza place, she would go home to a mouthful of mockery from her drunken husband. He would call her a whore and that going to church would not help her cover up her filthy acts. He had been unfaithful to her and had slowly started shifting the guilt towards her which triggered obsession. But this only became worse with time when her husband beat up their children suspecting that they might have not been his. The little one who was only 7-years-old was hit so hard that he lost consciousness. Emma spent the night in hospital waiting for her son to recover. This is when she picked us her phone and made the call she had always avoided for years. She called up her mother who had always had her suspicion about James from the day she met him. Her mother had always tried calling her even after her rushed wedding but she never answered. She was filled with guilt having realised that her mother had been right about James after all. Her mother promised to be at the hospital by morning. Emma prayed all night until her mother arrived. Emma was able to rescue her children from an abusive father and from the dangers of an abusive and broken marriage. Now, a happily married mother of four Emma realises that if she did not take that bold step to leave her husband, she would be in double jeopardy since her ex-husband was found dead in his house after refusing to resolve an outstanding bill at a local pub. During her trying times, she remembered feeling helpless even at church because everyone else seemed so perfect. No ladies talked about their challenging times; just how happy they are and how their children are doing well. Emma now purposes to talk to young ladies who are thinking about marriage and those who are newly wedded. She opens her home to them so that they can share their challenges and successes. She has learnt that the best way to touch people’s lives is by sharing the hurts and challenges and the lessons she learned from it all. Because of this, many ladies who had faced and overcome marital wars started opening up about the challenges faced in marriages even with young ladies who had often been misled by media and other women about the real face of marriage.

*Emma is not a real name.

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This may seem like just another story about a woman who faced a tough time and is now living a better life. But just think about it, how many people don’t get to see the other side and heal? How many have that one person they can call up and help them though a rough patch in life?

One thing I have come to learn from my interactions with relatives, friends, neighbours and total strangers is that there are so many hurt people in this world. There is so much of it that people prefer to think that they are facing their own unique type of hurt. The truth of the matter is that hurt is hurt – it steals, it kills and it destroys when we don’t learn from it and get stuck in it.

But finding that one ray of hope to see and even pursue the life beyond hurt is what makes us a unique creation as the human race. It all starts with a step, and it begins with you.

How can you make yourself more available to receive help or to help another person?

How willing are you to learn from other people’s experiences?

How willing are you to share, teach and train people having achieved a handy experience?

What are you waiting for? Go right ahead and do it!

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The human race does not break because of what we give (or don’t give) materially but because of what we say (or not say), what we show (or not show) or what we learn and not share.

Open your heart and share a pain that heals and empowers lives. It was and has never been in vain!

 

Yours Truly,

Ayuma.

 

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