The Uuuhs and Aaarghs of my life

Where did the woman go?

This post goes out to those with brave hearts. I got this from a friend; Esther Neema who truly expressed the need for ladies to get real with the hard facts of life. Men are not always to blame for the silly things some women do. If not careful, women often end up becoming their own enemies without even knowing it.

It takes some time to read the whole message but between the lines lies real truth that many are always afraid of accepting, maybe because of pride or just simple but dangerous ignorance.

I have always wondered why in my present society people are in such a hurry to get married, why so many feel empty if not in a relationship or why so many think sex is the answer to every relation you have and even sadly a determinant of who to tie the knot with.

After honeymoon, real work begins

It is sheer stupidity in my view.

This is simply because in the long-run, when the relationships often lead to a dead-end, it really comes out as sheer stupidity.

Why so serious and sure about this? Just read and in the end, you shall most certainly have your answer.

This lady is wise and I bet from experience.

July 25, 2011 – (PAULA ODHIAMBO)

Alright, my sisters… hold up, wait a minute, stop press…

Chivalry died. And for years, we’ve been trying to find the killer, but

whoever said this got it right: WOMEN KILLED IT.

The blame game is old. Let’s own up and try not talk about feminism. That

started decades ago, and we’ve gone over it thousands of times. Let’s talk

about us, here, now.

We may not all be guilty of all I’m about to say, but please permit me to

recreate the crime as I believe it happened:

Guilty

In becoming more materialistic, we shortchanged ourselves

At some point in time, pride took over and we slowly started to shortchange

ourselves by thinking we could do it on our own. It does not occur to us

that if anybody could do it on their own, we would not exist because Adam

would not have needed help. We have refused to let men provide, because

supposedly, anything a man can do, a woman can do better. They try, but

after being shot down, met with disdain and complaints, and feeling

unappreciated, those men who are like the seed that falls on rock or get

choked up by thorns, simply give up.

The more materialistic we became, the more distorted our perception of

provision. Now, provision is equal to money and status. And a big “package”.

If he has none, he is worth nothing. And if he has those but uji in his mind

and can’t speak a coherent sentence without cursing and colouring his words,

or boxing buildings Sonko-style, then he makes sense. The real man figured

he would rather remain a bachelor than subject himself to lifelong misery by

trying to impress she who cannot be impressed, and keep his property for

that one person (who never shows up) who wants him for him. I doubt we can

blame men.

Who needs men? You do girl...

So begins the vicious cycle. That woman who says “who needs men” but yet

craves the things that she can only get with a man, decides to invest in a

vibrator and two cats. I am not making this up. Need I go any further?

If women are equal to men, then please open your own door, change your bulbs

and fix your tyre.

Many women long for a man’s company, but are too proud to admit it to

themselves. “Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over

thee.” Have we ever asked ourselves what this verse in Genesis 3 means

(hint: it’s not necessarily sexual)? Things are messed up, and that’s why

people can open their mouths to talk about Kshs1.2 million.

We put it all out there

I’ll remind us again that Proverbs 7:10 says, “behold, there met him a woman

[with] the attire of an harlot, and subtil of heart.” This tells me that

before the lines were blurred, there was such a thing as clothing that

belonged only to prostitutes.

Upset? Well… like it or not, we identify people by their clothing. Let’s

imagine you walk into a hospital and are told to have a seat and wait for

the doctor. Two men walk into the waiting room. One has a red helmet, red

overalls, gloves, and is holding a fire extinguisher. The other has a white

coat and a stethoscope over his neck. Who is the doctor? If you walk into a

convenience store holding a gun, with a black stocking mask over your face

and your eyes peeking out of two holes, you can’t blame the guy at the

counter for jumping out of his skin or calling the cops.

Sex buys you no man

So if you dress like a prostitute, who are you going to attract, and why are you angry that

he’s hitting on you?

Why should a man give you his jacket and get frostbite on your account if

you decided to throw a hanky over your chest and another one barely covering

your behind, knowing full well it would be a cold evening, that you’d be at

the movies and that cinemas are cold? Does chivalry mean someone always has

to suffer for your inconsiderate behavior? Some parts of your body belong to

one pair of eyes only, and it’s very bad manners to subject strangers to

certain aspects of your anatomy whether it’s perfect or full of

cellulite-dimples and stretch marks. I don’t care what photographer suggests

what pose, what your job demands, or what century you think I’m living in.

If you’re not a whore, stop putting it all out there. You can be decent and

beautiful. Don’t you know your price?

No surprise, then, is it, that we want to tweet our weddings and Facebook

our honeymoons and update everyone on every day of that one year of marriage

before divorce rears its ugly head. The honeymoon is no fun anymore; that’s

why many have time to even think about Facebooking their cruise and hotel

pictures. The wedding was just to legalize the sex and make things official

before the general public; the truth is you’ve experimented and are now

bored.

Keep to yourself

My dears, we can’t do life by putting all our business out there. The Bible

calls women to be discreet. Chaste. Keepers at home. Good. Obedient to their

own husbands (Titus 2:5). Please don’t put yourself out there for someone

else’s husband to use and dump. He might be single, but if he’s not married

to you, technically he is someone else’s husband. Show some respect to his

future wife.

We stopped showing GRATITUDE and began to MAKE DEMANDS

Has it ever occurred to you that your man is not your driver, doctor,

bodyguard, or baggage handler? Do you think he has to do all that?

Here’s a similar question: Did Jesus have to come and die for you? It’s

foolish to assume that any of us deserves salvation. It is the fact that we

absolutely do not deserve it that makes it so precious. The Bible tells us

in Ephesians that we should submit to our husbands as we do to the Lord

(Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3). It takes a godly man to humble himself to become a

servant, but even servants require gratitude. If you thank your workers, as

I hope you do, then surely it is the least you can do to thank your man, and

not nag his ears out when he is two seconds late or point out the one thing

out of a hundred that he does wrong. Say thank you! It will not kill you! If

you’d rather not, then don’t complain when you find yourself all alone.

Nagging him only destroys you

We cheapened ourselves by getting the definition wrong

We forgot that chivalry is not about holding the door open, pulling the

chair out, or paying for the date or taking gum out of his mouth and

splitting it for us (because it’s very possible for a man to do these things

and still beat a woman to a pulp, for instance). So like the previous note

says, when we meet one guy who calls once, holds the door open, etc, we are

ready to give it all up because this one is a keeper. Right? How many

keepers can one woman give herself up to? Chivalry is about PROTECTING you.

It’s about BRAVERY. It’s not about paying for your dinner so he can sleep

with you. That’s the same thing people do on Koinange Street.

A chivalrous man should be brave enough to ask you to wed before he tries to

take you to bed. Period!!!!

“If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it,

oh-oh-oh,

oh-oh-oh,

oh-oh-oh-oh

oh-oh-oh…”

Er,

NO, NO, NO,

NO, NO, NO,

NO-NO-NO-NO,

NO, NO, NO!!!

First of all, put a ring on what? I don’t even want to know. All I know is

the ring comes FIRST. Call me whatever you want, but THE RING MUST COME

FIRST. Otherwise what’s the standard? Do you just sleep with him hoping he

will like it and put a ring on it, and how many times can this go on before

your conscience is seared with iron and your love has waxed ice-cold – and

NOBODY has given you even a “Chupa Chups” lollipop ring?

Keep your cookies in the jar

For what types of goods do we get free samples? Soup. Pens. Cheap stuff.

Have you ever seen the RIM or Apple or Nokia guys standing at a grocery

store aisle offering free phones? If they do, what’s your first instinct?

419, anyone? “Here, take this Blackberry Torch, and if you like it, come

back and pay for it later.” The first thought would be, “Ai… why is it free,

what’s wrong with it?” We need to know our price and conduct ourselves like

we have a clue.

No one buys a cow whose milk they can get for free. If you can get mabuyu

for 2bob, you’re not gonna bother where the mabuyu tree grows or gets its

water. If you think I’m lying, ask the next ten Kenyans you meet if they

know how to say “mabuyu” in English.

We forgot how to take genuine compliments

To this generation, a compliment is “You look sexy when you’re mad.” Some of

us would feel better if a random man on the streets said “You have such a

nice booty” than we would if someone genuinely told us “You have a kind

heart.” So we dress and carry ourselves in such a way as to coax such

compliments out of men. On the other side of the spectrum, some of us have

been so hurt that we see every compliment as an attempt to get something.

We listened to fake friends, and we’re letting our children do the same

Among the top fake friends are some of those magazines we stock up on every

month. We have left the raising of our children to TV and maids we don’t

know from Adam, so that we can get to the top of our careers. Why are we

surprised if our boys are raised to be something we don’t recognize? Why do

we act like we have no responsibility in the way men behave today? If we

want to see where we are going, all we need to do is take a look at our

friends. If we don’t like where they’re headed, we must change directions!

Change friends if you have to!

Love in all wrong places

We looked for love in all the wrong places

Men are not creatures you use to cure loneliness, lust, or an ungodly

perception of self. God does all the curing in this universe. You will not

find a chivalrous man in the club (especially not at 3am, and at 39 years of

age). It’s very rare now that you will even find him in church. Some of

these men who hide in church buildings every Sunday are the type you fast

and pray about before you open your mouth to say “hey.” Double-minded,

confused and using the name of God in vain. We’ve seen what’s happening to

pastors. Don’t think their apprentices are too far behind. You will not find

the right man until you find you, and you will not find you until you find

Jesus. That, my dears, as annoying as it is, as frustrating as it is to hear

especially if you’re over a certain age, is the truth.

Prayer gives you strength

We forgot to pray

Don’t talk about men being deadbeat if you have not prayed for them or

talked to them. Don’t talk about your man being broke if you’ve never prayed

for him to get a raise. You can’t just hate and do nothing. If you want a

situation to change, do something about it – prayer is a wonderful place to

begin. You can’t change a man. I can’t even change myself! So why bother

trying? Let me tell you the secret to changing your man. This is what I tell

my married friends. First of all, don’t get annoyed because then you’ll say

things you might regret. Stay calm; this battle is not physical. Don’t waste

your energy nagging him or repeating things he already knows. Just retreat

if you can and find some time to be alone. Go into your prayer closet and

fight like you have never fought before. Pray for two things: a) God, please

change ME, b) God, please change HIM. Someone said don’t win the fight; win

the man.

There’s a lot I’ve said between the lines, and I just hope we’ll all get it.

“True Friends are  rare but they are worth their weight in gold.”

“ I have four things to learn in life;

To think clearly without hurry or confusion;

To love everybody sincerely;

To Act in everything with the highest motives;

To trust God unhesitatingly.” Hellen Keller

******

I hope you have enjoyed the read till the end.

Remember that you are who you allow yourself to become.

Yours Truly,

Ayuma.

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Comments on: "Where did all the Women go? By Paula Odhiambo" (3)

  1. excellent. great, i love u for this x thnx

    Like

  2. Well spoken my dear-had 2 read it all.

    Like

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